10. The “Lessons learned” excuse.
Because European courts have become much more enlightened than they were when they were accusing us of being a monopoly in the 90’s. The truth is, they’re all about protecting free markets and fostering innovation, just like us. We like to think they might have learned something from us.
9. The “Global reach” excuse.
If we could woo Yahoo! into marriage despite the stormy courtship, we can easily take on Europe as a mistress.
8. The “What is it we do best now?” excuse.
The Zune was an iPod killer, now it’s a, a, software something-or-other, right?. We were monopolists, now we’re anti-monopolists. It’s a volatile market, you gotta roll with it to stay on top. Um, get on top. We prefer being on top. But we’re versatile.
7. The “If you can’t beat ‘em, enjoin ‘em!” excuse.
Because if the 80’s were about shrewd deal-making, and the 90’s were about steamrolling, and that whatchamacallit decade was about overconfidence and stagnation, the teens are going to be about litigation. Bring it, baby!
6. The “Freedom-loving company seek same” excuse.
We just got tired of putzing around feeding “independent” cases to our outside counsel, and funding European lobbying, and buying up companies that were already suing Google. Why not go whole hog? Wait, that doesn’t sound right. That’s not for attribution, OK?
5. The “Lose-win” excuse.
You know, our general counsel has extensive experience in European anti-trust litigation. We’re looking at the $2 billion in fines he cost us, and want to leverage that as an investment in the future. That way, we win, the poor oppressed masses of Europe win, everybody wins! Well, except Google. We want them to lose.
4. The “If you don’t get it, you’re not our target demographic” excuse.
See, we thought it would be way cool to stage an April Fool’s joke that wasn’t really an April Fool’s joke. How rad is that! Are we ultra-hip and post-ironic, or what? Young people? Are you listening? Anyone?
3. The “What are we, chopped liver?” excuse.
Because we didn’t get invited to that damn “tech leaders” dinner with Barack Obama, and Apple and Google did!
2. The “Coulda been a contender” excuse.
Wait, we were a contender. We were the world champion! Uh, what were you saying? Sorry, I’ve been spacing out a little bit lately.
1. The “No, really, what were we thinking?” excuse.