10. The “Innocent Fun” excuse.
Like I said in the emails, all I wanted was some company and a really good time. He didn’t even wait for me to tune in the Disney Channel and order up some popcorn from room service before he panicked.
9. The “Just relax!” excuse.
Well, of course I watch Disney movies just wearing a towel. I mean, who doesn’t?
8. The “Always thinking of others” excuse.
Yes, I offered him money. He had to go out of his way. And I’m all about giving young boys a helping hand.
7. The “Age is just a number” excuse.
I don’t know why he was so hesitant. I’m only three and a half times his age.
6. The “I feel good…I knew that I would” excuse.
So, yeah, I showed him my Capitol ID. That usually impresses them. I know I find it uplifting, if you catch my drift!
5. The “What do women really want?” excuse.
Look, I’m sure that kid would have been fine just taking my Blackberry and my iPad and the hundred bucks. It’s his sister that made all the fuss, and wouldn’t cooperate. Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t do without a beard!
4. The “I can always get a new one” excuse.
That sister of his just had me so flustered with all her carrying on, and threatening to go to the press. I really wasn’t thinking of the Blackberry as evidence. In fact, I wasn’t doing much thinking at all that night. Not with my big head, anyway.
3. The “Turn the tables” excuse.
It’s a shakedown, I tell you! Those kids wanted $10,000 from us. What’s that? Yes, my wife did offer the money first. True, they didn’t take it. Well yes, that does sound more of a bribe than a shakedown, when you put it that way…
2. The “Turnabout is fair play” excuse.
OK, I confess. I was just sick to death of the stupid, arrogant guys in Washington with their heterosexual scandals. Enough with the Lee’s and the Weiner’s! We’re overdue for a good old-fashioned gay sex scandal. Homosexuals can be just as stupid and arrogant as heteros, any day of the week!
1. The “Traditional values” excuse.
Of course I voted against gay marriage! I stand for the tried and the true, and for the natural order. Gay sex should be furtive and shameful and dirty – just like in the good old days.
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