When Top Ten Excuses read Gawker’s exposé on pervasive homosexuality, corruption, and abuse of power among the professedly celibate Roman Catholic clergy and hierarchy of South Florida, we contacted the church for some official excuses. They claimed they were too busy cleaning house to talk to us, so of course we hit the gay bars of Miami till we found a “retired” spokesperson for the Archdiocese source who was willing to speak to us anonymously. Boy, did he have excuses!
10. The “You have a point” excuse.
You know, the church has taken a lot of heat for being a bunch of celibates dictating sexual morality to the rest of the world. And we had to admit there was some validity to that.
9. The “All boys experiment” excuse.
So we tried a little experiment: “open celibacy.” At the time, it really seemed like a win-win for everyone.
8. The “Baby steps” excuse.
Oh, yes, we admit the whole pederastic cult thing was a mistake. We thought this more-or-less adult more-or-less consensual thing might be a decent compromise.
7. The “Damned if you do…” excuse.
Really, is there no pleasing you people? You can’t have it all three ways! Heh heh heh…I said three-way.
6. The “Foxes have dens” excuse.
The love nests? Well, Jeez, you didn’t want us carrying on our affairs in the rectories! That would have been scandalous! Oh wait, yeah, we did that too.
5. The “Streets of heaven are paved with gold” excuse.
Luxury condos? Hey, it’s an affluent archdiocese. Nothing but the best for God’s poor!
4. The “Not by E alone” excuse.
The aphrodisiac for the club kids was really just a sideline, and brought in a little extra income. We didn’t want to depend entirely on ripping off our parishes and schools. Especially after we got caught embezzling the trust fund of that quadriplegic!
3. The “For as often as ye drink this cup” excuse.
Now you can’t pin the alcoholism stuff on us. I’ve known plenty of straight priests who were drunks. It’s really just a part of Catholic tradition.
2. The “All for the greater glory…” excuse.
This whole thing is nothing but a tempest in a tearoom…teapot! Tempest in a teaPOT! I get to correct that quote, don’t I?
1. The “Scriptural justification” excuse.
Hey, I’ve even got a biblical quote for you. Let me read you the opening of Psalm 133:
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Coming down upon the beard,
Even Aaron’s beard,
Coming down upon the edge of his robes.
Tell you what, let’s just stop at unity. I don’t think we want to dwell on the oil and the head and the coming upon the beard and the robes.
- Miami’s Catholic Leaders Accused of Underground Gay Sex Mafia (queerlandia.com)
- News Feed: Miam Gay Clergy Outed (queeringthechurch.com)
- “EXTRAORDINARY and UNPRECEDENTED” – Release of Cardinal Bevilacqua’s testimony reveals the mind of an impostor (romancatholicworld.wordpress.com)