Well, you see, that house was just too small. You know, who wants to buy property in a neighborhood that’s got a small house in it? Well, that’s right, not like too small by our actual rules or anything, just oh, let’s say sort of somewhere around the wrong side of too smallish. You see? Just talking about it gets my tongue all tied up in knots, I’m so worried about our property values going down.
9. The “There but for my fortune” excuse.
And the style of that house was just all wrong. We all worked hard to deserve to live in our McMansions, and ain’t nobody gonna show up our ostentatious pretensions through such a pretentious lack of ostentation!
8. The “Clear as mud” excuse.
We were very clear about what we objected to in the design. Well, I mean after we got caught lying about the size. And of course all that was after we had second thoughts about approving the design originally. I’m tellin’ you, democratic negotiations can be veeerrry difficult.
7. The “Unfortunate metaphor under the circumstances” excuse.
We’re real sorry he got blowed up and all, but this ol’ boy just didn’t do his paperwork. Like my momma used to tell us when we was little pissants sittin’ on the pot, “Ain’t no job finished till the paper work is done.”
6. The “I’ll see your plans and raise you a court order” excuse.
And don’t our cease-and-desist order just go to illustrate my point about the importance of paperwork! We got there fuhstest with the mostest!
5. The “Baby steps” excuse.
All we ever wanted was good-faith negotiations. That’s why we filed the cease-and-desist order. See, we file, the court approves, you cease and you desist. Now we’re gettin’ somewhere!
4. The “Cry big bad wolf” excuse.
Well, you know, it wasn’t really us, it was the gummint. The county required an erosion control plan. Well, we thought they did. I mean one of our board members said he was pretty sure they might. And he useta be in gummint years ago, so he oughta know. And if the county says that’s not true, well, who can believe them, they’re the dang gummint!
3. The “Open arms” excuse.
Now, the way the librul media has been carryin’ on, you’d think we were all fixin’ to burn a cross on their lawn and all. Shoot, we just had a big ol’ Christian barbecue planned for those nice folks. (You know, they really love their barbecue!)
2. The “Who’s the victim here?” excuse.
And now the press is all ganging up on us like we’d done something wrong when we were just trying to do what was right! Vicious bastards! Who would ever put someone else in a situation like that?
1. The “Tom Paine couldn’t have said it better” excuse.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of property values. It’s the American way. Happy Fourth, everybody!